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Some Interesting Stuff...Funny, Sad, Sweet, Weird....whatever hehe

~*~Men & Women's English~*~
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
"Yes" = No
"No" = Yes
"Maybe" = No
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later.
"We need to talk" = I need to b*tch
"Sure....... ... go ahead" = I don't want you to.
"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're not going to really like me for.
"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful.
"You have to learn to communicate" ! ! ! = Just agree with me.
"Are you listening to me?" = TOO late, you're dead!


MEN'S ENGLISH
"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired" = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you! a massage" = I want to fondle you
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you" = Let's have sex now.
"I love you too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.




~*~25 Things That Make A Guy Perfect~*~
1. Know how to make you smile when you are down
2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice
3. Stick up for you, but still respect your independence
4. Be so wrapped up in everything else, but still have time for you
5. Fit his arms firmly around you
6. Hint that he wants to kiss you
7. His hands always find yours
8. Be cute when he really wants something
9. Never run out of new games to play
10. Never run out of good jokes
11. Never run out of love
12. Be funny, but know when to be serious
13. Realize he's being funny when he needs to be serious
14. Be patient when you take forever to get ready
15. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts
16. Smile
17. Kiss you
18. Try to hide that one stuffed animal when you come over
19. Act like Mr. Big
20. Apologize for acting like Mr. Big
21. Ask you for a pen in class and you know he has one
22. Blast the music when he picks up the phone
23. Turn it off when he notices that you are on the phone
24. Look at you during class and make you get butterflies in your stomach
25. Hug you on a bad day and the clouds seem to lift




~*~Memo From God~*~
Should you have a bad day at work;
Think of the man who has been out of work for years.
Should you despair over a relationship gone bad;
Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.
Should you grieve the passing of another weekend;
Think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a
week to feed her children.
Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance;
Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.
Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror;
Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.
Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all
about, asking what is my purpose?
Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.
Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities;
Remember, things could be worse. You could be them!!!!


~*~Dad's Dating Rules~*~
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied,balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing,merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.



~*~Oklahoma City Bombing~*~ This is so freaky! All these numbers will add up to the total number of people killed in the Oklahoma City bombing in 1995...
04--the month of the Okla. City bombing.
19--the day
95--the year
09--the hour the bomb went off
02--the minute
06--the month McVeigh was executed
11--the day
01--the year
07--the hour he was pronounced dead (Okla time)
14--the minute ( Okla time )
And it all equals:
168---the number of people killed



~*~Signs That Your Drunk~*~
1)You lose arguements w/ inimate objects.
2)You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
3)Job interfering w/ your drinking.
4)The back of your hand keeps getting hit from the toilet seat.
5)24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not.
6)Two hands and just one mouth..now THAT's a drinking problem!
7)You can focus better w/ 1 eye closed.
8)You fall off the floor.
9)Your twin brothers are named Chair and Table.
10)Mosquitos catch a buzz after attacting you.
11)At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is...uh..."
12)You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fall asleep clothed..Hmmm..
13)The whole bar says "Hi" when you come in.
14)Every night you're beginning to find your neighbor's cat more and more attractive.
15)Rosanne looks good.
16)That damned pink elephant followed you home again.
17)You're as jober as a sudge.
18)You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.
19)The shrubbery's drunk too from frequent watering.

~*~You Wonder Why Girls Rock? Heres 50 Reasons Why...~*~
1. We can wear guys clothes. If they wear ours, they get funny looks.
2. Our friends don't say hello to us by punching us on the arm.
3. Yea- PMS sux. But at least we have a good excuse to chow down on chocolate for a week.
4. If we're on a really big ship that happens to hit an iceberg, we'll probably get first dibs on a lifeboat.
5. We get the bigger apartment on Friends.
6. Girl talk. You know, how we just understand each other without having to explain stuff.
7. We never have to stand at a urinal and have other girls stare at us.
8. Dark circles under the eyes? A hickey? We can just cover them up with a little concealer. (how do guys live without that stuff?)
9. We dont have to shave our faces. (ouch that must hurt)
10. We can jump around a lot and shake our hair and it looks like we know how to dance.
11. Ben, Carson, Ryan, Freddie. Need I explain this one?
12. We get yummy chocolates and flowers from guys.
13. We dont have to dowse our food in Tabasco sauce just to look tough.
14. That whole circumcision thing!
15. When we get married we get to keep our own name or choose one that we like even better.
16. We dont have to deal with sideburns. Whats up with those anyway?
17. At least one girl always survives in horror flicks.
18. We never have to wear tighty-whities (or jock straps!)
19. Even if we are ugly we have make-up to fix it!
20. We can take stuffed animals to bed no matter how old we are.
21. We dont have to wear tuxedos to the prom.
22. Nose hair, ear hair, back hair- so not a problem for us.
23. SLUMBER PARTIES! Guys just don't know how much fun those are.
24. We dont have to worry about getting hurt, um, down there.
25. That special bond we have with our moms-some day
26. We dont feel the need to slap our teammates butt when she makes a good play.
27. Nobody makes fun of us for liking Backstreet Boys or N'sync. Well almost nobody
28. Pick up lines. They're not something we need to practice.
29. We can get away with wearing platform shoes without looking goofy.
30. We give really really good advice
31. On t.v. shows we're always the ones that have coolest supernatural powers.
32. Dollhouse, Delia's, XOXO, Wet Seal.
33. We can put cotton balls between our toes, paint our nails, and not feel the least bit silly.
34. Daria and Lisa Simpson are girls.
35. Bevis and Butt-Head aren't.
36. The coolest, sweetest songs and poems have been written about us.
37. We dont have to sit on our wallets.
38. And our wallets have a place for change.
39. Its entirely possible that we will marry Ben Affleck some day.
40. Our lives do not revolve around ESPN Sports Center
41. We can wear dresses without getting really weird looks from people
42. Its not required that we learn how to spit when we are young.
43. We are called tomboys, Boys are called girlie.
44. Fiona, Tori, Sarah, Paula, Alanis, Gwen.
45. We have nicer handwriting than guys. Well its true.
46. Our magazines have Horoscopes.
47. We dont have to stuff boxers in our jeans. (How can that possibly be comfortable?)
48. Female pro athletes arent overpaid egomaniacs (yet).
49. Girls with guy first names (like Joey) sound cool, but it doesnt work the other way around.
50. We look great in tank tops. (Hint-Hint to any guy reading this) 



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